


Rumor Mill

by StripedSunhat



Series: A Village of One [7]
Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Drinking, Family Secrets, Gen, Gil is a walking human disaster, Gossip, In that the family part is the secret, POV Outsider, Pre-Canon, Rumors, Why Sparks need therapy, Why everyone needs therapy, this is the consequence of that Klaus, wild theories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18640924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripedSunhat/pseuds/StripedSunhat
Summary: Someone as enigmatic and... loud as Gil is going to get talked about.In the absence of truth, any answer, no matter how false, will do.And Lord Almighty are there answers.





	Rumor Mill

**Author's Note:**

> So many of you wanted to know what my take on what everyone thought about Gil was. The answer is apparently a lot. Credit time, if you see a Gil Theory you recognize that's because it came from you.
> 
> This overarching series was originally supposed to be entirely from Klaus point of view. But then I wanted to write Gil's point of view of his first flight and it tied so heavily into the series that it made no sense not to put it in the series. And now here we are where Gil is the least important of the listed characters and Klaus is no more than a cameo.

“What’s the deal with Gil Hozfäller?”

“You mean you haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?”

“He’s part of this set of future assassins Klaus was trying to make but something went wrong. They started targeting him rather than listening to him.”

“What?”

“Oh yeah. There used to be a whole set of them. And they were all trying to kill the Baron.”

“No way. That’s got to be a lie.”

“I’m serious. One of them once blew up a lab to lure the Baron in, filled it with poison gas, and then blew it up again for good measure. If you check the maintenance archives, you can find the explosion. And medical has a record of Klaus’s visit after. Put him up for almost three days?”

_“Three days?”_

“Yeah and the kid was only nine.”

“So what happened to the kid?”

“I heard the Baron crushed him to death before the gas knocked him unconscious. He’s been whittling them down over the years. Almost every time one of them tries they end up dead. Now Gil’s the only one left.”

“But the Baron knows where Gil is. If he’s really a genetically programed assassin then why keep him around? Why let him go everywhere?”

“Keeps the Baron sharp.”

* * *

Waramunt was hungry. But because he was a shock absorbent jäger, the Baron had assigned him to ripping out the faulty wiring the maintenance crew had found. It was so boring. At least Gil dropping in – literally, from a loose ceiling panel – had livened things up for a little bit. But now he was back to being bored and hungry.

“So I have a question,” the engineer who’d been directing Waramunt because he wasn’t shock proof but apparently that meant he could still hover like an annoying little gnat.

“Unless eet’s how much meat to put un a sandvich for me hy don’t care.”

“Why did you start pulling the wires out counter clockwise when Gil suggested it?” And the man just kept talking. He was so annoying. Waramunt missed the good old days of the old Heterodynes when he would have been allowed to rip his arm off.

“Because Gil es a shmart guy.”

“And why didn’t you do that when I told you to half and hour ago?” Sheesh, didn’t this guy ever stop?

“Hyu aren’t Gil.”

“So you listen to Gil when he tells you to do something.”

“Ve gunna follow somevun after Klaus, aren’t ve?” Maybe after this he could sneak down the kitchens and convince that pretty cook to let him make a sandwich.

“Huh. And you’re going to follow Gil?”

“Vhy not?” Maybe she’d even share it with him.

“I’m just going to…” Without finishing his sentence he walked off.

Witold reached over and smacked him upside the head.

“Oy!” Waramunt yelled, grabbing the back of his head. “Vhat vas dat for?”

“Ve’s not supposed to give avay who Gil ees, remember? Dat means ve’s not supposed to talk about hem. Especially following hem after Klaus.”

“Oh yeh. Oops.”

Witlold rolled his eyes. “Eediot,” he muttered as he went back to his wiring.

* * *

Mary didn’t like working aboard Castle Wulfenbach. It wasn’t that she didn’t support the Wulfenbach Empire, she did. It was just the Baron was scary and working for him was, well, scary. (Please never let him find out she thought that. He might eat her.)

So she was more than glad that if she was working on the airship, it was on the lower levels where the Baron came much less often. Not that he never went down there, there was no place he didn’t go. He was like a poltergeist, appearing suddenly around corners where before there was nothing. (Please, please never let him find out she thought that.)

She was just finishing up the last of her repair work for the day when a man suddenly appeared from behind a set of pipes. Mary squeaked and dropped her wrench. The man turned at the sound. He picked it up and handed it back to Mary with a charmingly honest smile. Up close she could see that he was younger than she’d thought, still technically a child. Wrench returned he gave a little wave then did something to some paneling on the far side of the room and disappeared into it.

Mary stared at the wall. She ran her hand over the paneling. It didn’t move. She inched closer, scouring for even the smallest crack. Nothing

Had that – Had that actually happened? She turned to ask Roger across the room but he was still buried in his work. He’d missed the whole thing.

Less than ten minutes later a pair of the Baron’s personal guards came jogging in. Oh God, had the airship been attacked? Had a spy gotten in? Was someone _here_ a spy?

But instead of attacking anyone or ushering them out before the horrifying explosions could begin they leaned against Roger’s workstation and stole his coffee.

“Have either of you seen –”

“He just came through less than ten minutes ago.” Roger didn’t even look up, simply waved at the magical panel the boy had vanished into. “Went into the side paneling. And give me back my coffee.”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks.” Then the soldier put the cup down and they both began strolling away, one giving a little wave as they left. Roger ignored them.

Mary had no idea what had just happened.

Two days later the boy appeared again.

This time he dropped down from somewhere above their heads. Mary shrieked and threw her clipboard at his head. He blinked as he swayed to the side to dodge it, not seeming to care at all that it had passed close enough to ruffle his tangled hair.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” He had a fistful of nuts in one hand. When he noticed Mary staring at them he held them out to her. “Would you like some?” Mary immediately scuttled away. What if he tried to follow her? She didn’t know what she was going to do. She’d already thrown her only weapon. Fortunately that was when Roger reappeared from the bowels of the pipes. “Um…?” the boy said, pointing at her as he looked over to Roger.”

“Ignore her. She’s new.”

“That explains it.” He held out the handful of nuts. “Want some?”

“Nah.” Roger hoisted his ever-present mug in the air. “I got good coffee from the kitchens and I’m not ruining it.”

“Suit yourself,” the boy said, popping a few more in his mouth. “I’ll see you later then; I’m running late.” With that he disappeared into the same stretch of wall he had before.

Mary stared at it. She shakily turned towards Roger before pointing at the wall with an unsteady hand. “W–What?”

Roger shrugged, apparently unconcerned about the crazy ghost-child-spy- _thing_ that had just wandered through their workstation. “He does that sometimes. We’re in the middle of one of the more visible sections of one of his routes.”

“Where’s does he come from?”

“Don’t know.”

“Where is he going?”

“Don’t know. No one down here really knows where any of his routes lead, just that they run through here.” Mary carefully picked up her clipboard and set it down in its proper place. Then she turned and walked to her quarters. She needed to lie down.

Maybe he was some sort of half-wild homeless duct child who didn’t realize the Baron already knew about him. Of course the Baron already knew. The Baron knew everything.

But why let him stay?

She could ask the Baron about it. But that would involve drawing the Baron’s attention. And worse, having to talk to him. Mary was sure it was fine. The Baron knew what he was doing.

Maybe it was a test for the airship’s security teams. Keep track of where he was, herd him where the Baron wanted him from time to time without him noticing. Or maybe it was a test for the boy, to see if he was worth keeping and subsuming into the empire when he was older. Or maybe the Baron found it amusing, seeing how long they could keep the boy in the dark. Or maybe it was just the Baron having a soft spot for feral things. Like attracting like and all that. (Oh God. Please, please, _please_ never let the Baron find out she thought that.)

* * *

“You know about Gil Hozfäller right? He’s the jägers’ favorite.”

“Which ones?”

“All of them.”

* * *

“Do you think he belongs in the school?”

“Have you ever seen him in there?” Marcus said, pointing a finger at them like he’d just made some sort of brilliant masterstroke of a point.

“Neither have you, you idiot,” Peter said, “None of us are allowed on that level.”

Kass smirked and took another drink. She wasn’t sure how they’d ended up on the topic of Gil but hey he was always a fun subject to gossip about. “No way has he ever been caught.”

“I’m with Kass,” Marcus said, “He’s like the white whale of juvenile delinquents.”

“And how would we know whether or not he’s been caught?”

“It’s some kind of catch and release program. Every few weeks the Baron lets him out if he’s caught him.”

“I’m telling you he’s never been caught. Sure, maybe the Baron goes a little easier on trying to grab him, but as soon as he actually does it’s all over. He’s done for.” Vanessa walked by, swiping a bottle of vodka as she went. “Hey Van! You want in on this? You think Gil’s ever been caught before?”

“STAYING OUT OF IT!” Van called over her shoulder, walking off.

“Whatever, fifty says never been caught.”

Placing genuine money on the subject had been a stupid idea. Peter would do anything for a buck. Some light stalking of the Baron’s favorite pet/escapee was hardly the worst thing he’d done.

“You owe me fifty,” he said to Marcus as soon as he sat down. “I just saw the Baron and Gil together and the Baron had his hand on Gil’s shoulder. Officially caught.”

“What! I never said – That was Kass who said that, not me!”

“It was still your stance. Pay up. “And you,” he said to Kass, pocketing the cash Marcus threw at him, “If Gil shows up anywhere other than the business end of an examination table, you’ll owe me fifty too. Now,” he said grabbing the absinth. “I feel like celebrating. Hey Van! Gil just won me –”

“STAYING OUT OF IT!”

A week later, Kass barged into the barracks. She shoved a handful of crumpled bills into Peter’s hands. “You’ll never guess what I just saw.”

Peter glanced at the money. “Gil somewhere other than a lab table?”

“Even better. Gil had the Baron by the hand and was dragging him somewhere.”

“What?” Marcus said, falling off his bunk.

“No way.”

“I’m dead serious. He was pulling him along and the Baron was letting him.”

“What the hell –”

“They were _smiling_. Both of them.”

“You’ve got to be lying.”

“You think I’d give up good money if I was lying? Hey Van,” she called at the other woman walked in, “you were there too, you saw Gil –”

“STAYING OUT OF IT!”

* * *

“Have you heard? Unless Klaus has a real kid at some point, the jäger generals have petitioned to follow Gil Holzfäller. Regardless of who the empire goes to.”

* * *

Boris had been aboard Castle Wulfenbach for a month and a half now. It had taken barely a quarter of that time be irrevocably bind his loyalty to the Wulfenbach empire. Boris would, quite frankly, follow Klaus Wulfenbach anywhere. Klaus had built the empire up from the charred remains of Europa with his bare hands. Boris had endless faith in him.

That didn’t mean he entirely understood all of the Baron’s decisions.

Such as Gil Holzfäller.

The orphan child with access to _everything_.

Well, probably not really everything. But damn if Boris had heard of even one place Holzfäller wasn’t allowed to go. Boris trusted the Baron had his reasons. But maybe he listened a bit closer to rumors about Holzfäller.

– He was a psychological stress test for the crew.

– He was a walking incubator for a cure for revenants.

– He was a mass hallucination and didn’t really exist at all.

– He was Klaus’s attempt at creating his own jäger who better blended into society.

It would be a lot easier to tell the credible theories from the trash he could actually meet Holzfäller.

Boris was momentarily knocked out of his thoughts by a nearby lab exploding. He was prepared to ignore it – if there wasn’t fire or screams of terror he’d already learned it automatically wasn’t worth his time – when he heard the Baron’s voice.

“I don’t think the stabilizing unit was strong enough.”

“Really?” a second voice Boris didn’t recognize asked, “I thought it was the stabilizing unit combining with the byproducts to create a secondary catalyst.” When Boris turned to look he found a young man covered in soot, topsoil and… was that pancake batter?

“Clearly we’ll have to try again. But not today. I have a meeting with my generals this afternoon. Go clean up. We can try again later this week.”

“Yes, Herr Baron.”

“Good, now run along.” Without waiting for a response the Baron was already striding off. The young man had the audacity to roll his eyes at the Baron’s retreating back before walking off in the opposite direction.

Grabbing the arm of one of the clean up crew who had already arrived and pointing down the hallway at the boy Boris asked, “Who was that?”

“You haven’t met him yet? That was Gil Holzfäller.”

Boris stared. _That_ was Gilgamesh Holzfäller? That insolent walking disaster? “I thought he wasn’t a Spark,” he finally managed.

The cleaner shrugged, changing out out his woven stainless steel mop head with one made of strands of flexible ceramic, Viton and epoxy. “He’s not. He’s the Baron’s baseline. If he can figure out how to manage something you can be damn sure the Baron will expect all the Sparks in this place to be able to.”

“Him?”

“Uh-huh. I just wish the Baron would find a way that was a little more theoretical. Gil’s tests are hell on my mops.”

* * *

“Did you know Gil Holzfäller is secretly General Zog’s son?”

* * *

Othmar pinched the bridge of his nose as he stared at the cabinet of beakers in front of him. He was honestly surprised it wasn’t spontaneously catching fire as he looked at it. Beside him the two new students stared up at him with fake-innocent eyes. “Gil! Can you help explain the proper lab safety when it comes to flammable substances?”

Gil poked his head into the doorway, materializing out of thin air. “Of course.”

“Wonderful. I leave them in your capable hands.”

“Okay, first of all, never store them like that. The first time you have a spark you’re going to blow up half the lab. It’s not nearly as fun as it sounds. Trust me, I’ve been there. A lot. Now, let’s start with the kind of suppression supplies you want on hand next to your storage when something inevitably gets set on fire anyway. Because believe me, it will.”

“Have you ever exploded anything?”

Othmar backed out of the room, leaving Gil to try to dance his way around explaining his many, many, _many_ , lab accidents.

He appreciated the Baron creating a guide to teach the students about lab safety in a more practical way and protect them when things did go wrong, he really did. He just sometimes wished the Baron had created one that was slightly less… volatile and prone to explosions.

* * *

“Have you heard the jägers tried to adopt Gil?"

“So does that make him a pseudo jäger?”

“No I think it makes him something like an honorary Heterodyne. Once he gets old enough the jägers plan on following him just like they would a Heterodyne until a real one can be found.”

“So… Exactly like the Baron?”

“No. The Baron’s got an _agreement_ with the jägers. Gil’s going to have their _loyalty._ Complete and undivided.”

* * *

“Why do you think the Baron doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s a Spark?”

Trent didn’t even bother to look up from his dirty magazine, not even having to ask who Josef was talking about. “Spark testing.”

“He already knows Gil’s a Spark.”

“He’s not testing if someone is a Spark, he’s testing if he can make someone who’s a Spark not be a Spark. Take it away.” Trent flipped to the next page, holding it up to get a better angle of the girl on it. Josef considered setting the thing on fire. “Touch my magazine I’ll kick your ass.”

“How do you – Never mind. The Baron’s not trying to stop him from being a Spark. He has multiple labs.”

“Not him, maybe. But others. Every test needs controlled variables, doesn’t it? So Gil is allowed to be a Spark whenever he wants in his own labs and nowhere else and has to tap it down everywhere else. And somewhere on the ship there’s some Spark who’s got their own labs that’s the only place they're allowed to be a Spark but they’re only allowed in them at certain times. And somewhere else there’s a Spark who’s not allowed to let it out at all. Gil’s just one of the subjects and we happen to be within his bubble of accepted and tracked interaction.”

Josef, who was a Spark himself, albeit a weak one, reared back. The thought of never being able to invent, never able to lose himself in the comforting warmth of Madness, never being allowed to let go and experiment –

“I think I might be sick.”

Trent flipped another page. “Just don’t throw up all over my cot.”

* * *

“I heard that Holzfäller is secretly a Heterodyne and the jäger generals are keeping him hidden until he’s old enough to claim Mechanicsburg.”

* * *

“…anything with that high a sugar content is a controlled substance. The ‘blind eye’ method of ‘I didn’t see them steal it’ will not fly here. Let’s see, let’s see, what else… Oh! Don’t store your alcohol here. Some of the older students have hit their experimental phase and it will get stolen. Right, any questions?”

Candace rapidly shook her head and tried not to look as overwhelmed as she felt. She knew the school kitchen was a big promotion and a lot higher level of trust but she had not expected the sheer level of stuff thrown at her. “Good. Then we can move on to the individual students.” Oh sweet lightning there was more. “First up let’s start with, hmm… Gil Holzfzäller. If his friends drag him in here explaining how he deserves a last meal because he pissed off the Baron or pulled some monumental stupid stunt or got caught where he shouldn’t have been ignore them. It happens all the time. If we gave Gil a special meal or looked the other way about extra treats every time Gil did something stupid the boy would never eat anything normal. If he’s actually smoking or still on fire you can bend the rules, otherwise, no. When he comes in alone and asks for either tea or waffles give it to him and do not let him leave. That is important. Herd him over to the counter and makes sure he sits down with it. Once he has cut a big piece of drunk strudel and set it out near him. Not right next to him just within reach. If we don’t have any cut a piece of whatever is the best dessert we do have. Do not hover or try to coddle him; you’ll just scare him off. Instead go wave down a jäger and have them find that little tea lobster – you know the one. If he comes in after two am and seems confused about how he got there sit him down and get him a double serving of the highest calorie food we have. We do not want him passing out again. The Baron was apocalyptic. Right. I think that’s everything important about Gil. Now… Zulenna Luzhakna. Don’t be surprised when she comes down to complain about something or another. She’s going to identify you as the weakest link which you are, accept it and move on…”

* * *

“Klaus found him in some little town the Heterodynes had sacked a hundred years ago. This long lost Heterodyne heir just sitting in the mud in a nothing town, entire family dead, no one having any idea who he really was.”

“What did the generals say when they found out?”

“They still don’t know?”

“Shouldn’t someone tell them?”

“Do _you_ want to be the one to do that?”

* * *

“You know about metaphysical corporealization and binding?”

“That whole field of study is a joke.”

“Hey, Sparks are weird, what can I tell you?”

“So anyway, I heard there was this Spark who was trying to create an artificial chaos spirit. But while it might have killed him, it also worked.”

“You’re saying Holzfäller’s this chaos spirit?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. The Baron managed to make him corporeal. Hence him aging and needing to eat and being able to be hurt.”

“I bet he’s only partially corporeal. That’s why it’s impossible to keep him out of anywhere.”

“Semi corporeal. Please let him never learn how to do it on command. Although I bet the Baron would be really interested in it.”

“So the Baron figured out a way to bind him. But it leaks.”

“Leaks.”

“Ambient chaos energy. And the Baron wants to control it.”

“Maybe even weaponize it.”

“He would.”

“Should I tell the Baron this is what his security teams do while they’re on perimeter duty?” Boris asked stepping out from the alcove he’d been working in. All three guards jumped, one fumbling his ray gun badly enough to drop it.

“I –”

   “We –”

       “Where –?”

“Kindly refrain from gossiping while on duty,” Boris cut them off. He walked off, already mentally composing his report on the matter. Artificially created chaos spirit. Did they hear themselves? As he was passing the lab Gil most used there was a loud crash followed by the frantic honking of what had to be at least a dozen and a half geese.

“I can fix it!”

…Then again, maybe that one had a point to it.

* * *

“Oh, yeah, leettle Gil’s de best. He’s my favorite.”

“Your favorite student at the school?”

“No, favorite kid we’ve got to have. Hy’m lucky hy get to see hem work when hy do. He’s so smart. Easily smarter dan hes poppa. Und brave. Und creative. Hy jest know de Castle’s going to love hem when et finally gets to meet him.”

“We’ve gotta… go. We’ll… see you… gentlemen later. _did you hear what he just said, ‘smarter than his father’? he’s totally a Heterody–”_

“Vhy cant _hyu_ make up stories about Gil und _hy_ can’t?”

“Hy gots permission.”

“Dat’s no fun.”

“Besides, _hy’m_ not making up stories. Everyting hy said about leettle Gil es true.”

* * *

Von Pinn had been patrolling the edge of the school when she’d heard the voices.

“– perfect champion. Completely loyal, completely disposable.” She sped up, intent on eviscerating the speaker. “Trained since practically birth to be whatever the Baron wants him to be. The only thing the Baron needs to do is finish stamping out the rest of that pesky empathy of his.” Evisceration was too quick.

“I don’t know; I still say spy. After all, why put him in the school otherwise? That way he’s already got deep contacts with almost every powerful family in Europa and he’s placed to make connections with the rest of them. It’s not like the Baron actually car– urk!” A clawed hand each wrapped around the worms’ throats. They flailed in a pathetic attempt to get free. She rewarded their efforts by digging her claws into their flesh, drawing blood.

“The students are under Klaus’s protection. More importantly, they are under **my** protection. Such lies being told about them is a disgrace and an insult I will **not** tolerate. I should –”

“Von Pinn put them down,” Jacob said, wandering over to them. Klaus’s four-armed lackey – he hadn’t earned the right for her to use his name in her thoughts – trailed after him like a dog.

“They were laying offense against **my charges.** ”

“And if you want to disembowel them with their own toenails that’s your prerogative but go to HR and submit the proper forms first.” She snarled, deep and savage in the back of her throat. The old man didn’t move.

With another snarl she pulled the worms closer so she could hiss in their faces, “If I ever hear either of you call one of my charges disposable again I will rip whatever passes for spines from your bodies and use their edges to cut out your tongues.” She dropped them and they immediately ran away, leaving behind only the stink of fear and piss.

Otilia watched them leave and considered whether it was time for another talk with Klaus.

* * *

“The jäger generals only asked Klaus to keep him safe, they never told him why.”

“So the Baron doesn’t know Gil’s a Heterodyne?”

“No. He doesn’t have a clue.”

“Then what does he think he is?”

“I’ve heard was that Gil’s upbringing and safety was part of the agreement when the jägers signed on with the empire. So all Klaus knows is that Gil’s safety is necessary to keep the jägers on his side.”

* * *

Maren missed her parents. The airship wasn’t as scary as it had seemed last week when she first got here but it was big and full of people who didn’t have time for her. And her parents weren’t here. They were back home and that was so far away it might as well be on another planet. At least the other students were nice. Mostly.

But if there’s one thing Maren hates even more than her parents not being here it’s having to go to class. When she first arrived she’d thought the Baron only called it a school to make her parents feel better. But no, it was a real school with real class.

She was trying to decide how long she could put off doing her homework for when Z and Nick sat down across from her. “Hi Maren,” Z said. Maren blinked up at them. Z and Nick were older students. Big kids. Why would they want to sit with her? “You finished settling in alright?”

Maren nodded, because what else were you supposed to do when a big kid asked you something like that?

“So,” Nick said with a smile, “a little birdie told us you’re going to be given access to the school labs next week.”

“Really?”   Maren shot up in her seat. The labs were so big and shiny. They had everything! She’d snuck a few peeks but she kept getting caught and herded away while being told she wasn’t allowed in them yet.

“That’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about.” Maren hadn’t done something wrong, had she? She hadn’t even been in the labs yet. It was just a few peeks. “It’s not anything bad. We just wanted to talk to you about lab safety.” Maren bit back a groan. Lab safety was even more boring than school.

“Do we gotta?”

“Yes. Did you see how that beaker blew up yesterday?”

Urgh. This was going to be another ‘don’t blow up lab equipment’ lecture wasn’t it? “Yeah.”

“And you remember how Gil knocked over that desk to make a barricade and then started throwing students over it?”

“Yeah! That was fun!” A couple of the other kids had bounced and everything.

“You’d already been evacuated when the second explosion happened so you might not know yet but Gil was still on the wrong side of the barricade when it happened.

“What! Is he okay? He didn’t get hurt did he?” Gil was one of the bestest people on the whole airship. Nothing could have happened to him. It wouldn’t be fair.

“He’s fine,” Nick said, putting gentle hand on her shoulder. “Just a few scrapes, no harm done.”

“This time,” Z added. Maren glared at him.

“That’s a mean thing to say.”

“But it is true,” Nick said. Nick and Z shared a glance, the type adults used when they wanted to talk to each other without really talking. “Look, reminding the rest of us about lab safety and diving in to fix things when something does go wrong is kind of Gil’s job. He’s in the school to keep the rest of us safe.”

“Which means that every time one of us does something dangerous Gil is going to come rushing in to help.”

“And every time the he does there’s a chance of him getting hurt. You don’t want Gil getting hurt, do you?”

“No!”

“Exactly. And the best way to do that is by practicing as good of lab safety as we can, so there’s less chances for him to get hurt.”

“Okay!” Mary said, nodding her head excitedly up and down. “I can do that!”” She’d have the best lab safety ever. She’d even study.

* * *

“He’s an artificial Heterodyne construct. Made out of the bones of Heterodynes harvested from the family crypt.”

“No way. Gil’s been aging consistently. There’s no way he’s a full construct, I don’t care out of whose bones.”

* * *

All Boris wanted was just one hour to not have to think about Gilgamesh Wulfenbach.

That was never going to fully process was it?

He hunched over his tray in the cafeteria and resolutely began eavesdropping to drown out his thoughts.

“Gilgamesh Holzfäller is not the next Storm King!”

Boris stood up, threw away his entire tray and walked away.

* * *

“One of the female jägers had an affair with Bill and was pregnant when he disappeared.”

“And you think Gil Holzfäller is that kid?”

“Yes! It totally fits! He’s obviously part jäger but the generals care about him way too much for him to just be a random half-jäger kid. Plus the jägers listen to him. They follow him. And why else would Klaus not want anyone to know how smart and powerful the kid really is? Gil is a half-jäger, half-Heterodyne hybrid.”

“…God damn it. It does fit.”

* * *

“Hey!” Jaidev waved over Daniel in the hallway from where he was staring blankly at the wall. “First day of your promotion!” Cleaning crew was hardly glamorous but access to the Baron’s personal chambers was impressive no matter what reason. Not that Daniel wanted that kind of pressure. No sir. “How’s it going?”

Daniel let out a small, high-pitched noise that might have been something like _heeeeeeiiiiiieeee_. Right, right. About what Jaidev had expected. Lots of new imperial secrets to be trusted with at that level. It’s probably a lot to process.

Suddenly the wall exploded. This is why you don’t chat next to the labs. Should have known better. A giant construct, covered in orange fur appeared in the hole with Gil Holzfäller clinging to his shoulders. The thing was at least three meters tall with three long curved spikes poking out from each of its arms. At least one of them was dripping what looked to be acid. Gil had lost his shirt and if Daniel looked close enough he could see part of it wrapped around the construct’s thick neck like a scarf or an especially fashionable noose. The thing roared and tried to swat at Gil. Huh. Triple jointed arms. That was interesting. Gil grabbed one of the joints by the spike, kicking at it in the wrong direction. There was a sick crack followed by an even louder roar. Gil jumped down and dashed off, construct hot on his heels.

Distraction finished, Daniel turned back to his conversation. Jaidev was staring at the destruction Gil and the construct had just wrought. “Do you ever think about the future and get an unshakable feeling of absolute dread?” he said, gaze still riveted to the empty space.

Daniel considered if for a second before shrugging. “Only on nights the cafeteria serves mystery mess.”

* * *

“Just Bill and Barry. No outside genetics. A purely Heterodyne Heterodyne.”

“Do you think he knows?”

“I doubt it. But you never know with those types.”

“And Klaus made him?”

“At the jäger generals’ insistence. There’s no natural Heterodyne heir, so they had one made. And of course they’d take the best parts of the most recent –”

“Gossip about which of you looks prettier in your hair ribbons on your own time. Now get back to work. Those pots aren’t going to scrub themselves.”

“Yes sir. Sorry sir.”

* * *

“You started without me?” Slepnir glanced up at Nick from her spot against Theo’s shoulder. She really shouldn’t be cuddled up against him like she was. She had an engagement. A long, long, _long_ standing engagement. One her parents had specifically for her. What did it matter that her fiancé to be was duller than paste and always smelled vaguely of trout; that was who she was marrying. Which meant she and Theo could never be anything ever. But her head was so heavy and his shoulder was _soo_ comfy.

“–nir? Slepnir?” Slepnir blinked. Oh. The others were still talking. She must have zoned out. That was rude of her. “Z says you’ve been taste-testing?”

“Theo wanted to make sure he had it right.”

“And how is it?” Nick asked, crouching down in front of her.

“Well I still have my taste buds this time.”

Next to her Theo scrunched up his face. “Those took two weeks to grow back.”

“The medical staff was so mad.” Nick swiped the bottle and took a cautious pull. “–ck! Blue Fire is that strong!” He shook his head back and forth like a wet dog then smacked his lips together. “Hmm. Not bad.” He took another swig. “You want some?” he asked Z after his second coughing fit died down.

“I’ve got my own already,” Z said, gesturing to the pot of tea he’d poured a thimbleful of Theo’s latest drink into. “Unlike the rest of you, I prefer to end the night drunk rather than completely insensate.”

Nick shrugged and plopped down on the ground. “Where’s Gil?”

“He sent a message with Zoing a little while ago.” Slepnir didn’t know who had originally made the abandoned tea construct but it was good Gil had befriended it. Everyone needed friends, even constructs. Besides every time the little guy visited he brought the best tea with him. “He got called in by the Baron. Again.”

“Which means he got in trouble. Again.”

“Gil needs to start being more careful,” Z said, taking a gulp of his tea. “I swear when he does finally manage to get himself thrown off the airship it won’t be in a dirigible it’ll be through defenestration.”

“Just like that new hear guy running around, Othar Trans-something or other.”

“Gentleman Adventurer!” Slepnir cheered, hoisting her reclaimed bottle in the air.

Theo scrunched his nose up again. It was adorable. Everything Theo did was adorable. “Can we not compare Gil to that nutjob?” He gently pried the bottle out of Slepnir’s hand and took a sip. “Either way it’s going to be a while until he gets here.”

“In that case…” Nick swiped the bottle back, leaning over it conspiratorially. “I’ve got a new one.” They all scrambled to sit upright, like little kids at story time. Nick’s endless flirting meant he always heard the newest gossip. The very best though were the Gil Theories. It was probably a little mean not tell Gil about them but it was harmless. Besides they were so entertaining. Nick grinned. “Right, so you know how the Baron is kind of a construct?”

“Yeah, we all know that story but what does it have to do with Gil?”

“Well. The new theory is that Gil is some kind of modified clone of either the Baron or one of his would-have-been brothers, depending on who you talk to. Anyway, the Baron made him as a sort of insurance so that if anything happened to him he already had new, fresh, ready-made organs and stuff waiting for him. So Gil gets away with so much because he’s not really a person, not to mention that now that he’s getting older he’s starting to remind Klaus of himself. Or if you subscribe to the brother theory – which, personally, if I had to pick one I would – the brother Klaus never got to have. And Klaus overreacts so much to Gil getting hurt because those are his future organs Gil’s risking. Because Gil’s screw ups are literally skin off the Baron’s nose.”

“That pun was horrible,” Z said, draining the rest of his cup.

“That _theory_ is horrible.” Theo added. “It’s got to be the dumbest Gil Theory you’ve ever brought back.”

“Worse than the one that claimed Gil’s consciousness is a damaged copy of Castle Heterodyne that’s somehow blocked itself off and Klaus hopes he can one day coax all the Castle’s secrets out of him so he can finally fix and or destroy Mechanicsburg once and for all?”

Slepnir leaned forward. “Or the one –” The door opened and Gil walked through. Slepnir fell forward onto her face.

“Are you okay?”

“‘m good.”

“Did you start without me?”

“Only a little.”

“They started without me too.”

“Is that _blood_ in your hair?” Splepnir peeled herself off the floor to look up. There was in fact a sticky, red, wet patch in Gil’s hair.

“It’s not mine,” he said immediately.

“That’s… not actually comforting,” Theo said. And there was the nose wrinkle again. So cute.

Slepnir grabbed a cloth and one of the many bottles of water in the room. (Always hydrate when drinking with Theo. Always. It was dangerous otherwise.) “Come here.” Gil plopped down next to her, stealing the bottle of alcohol as he went. “Is it safe to drink with a head wound?”

When Gil shrugged Z rolled his eyes and replaced the bottle with a teacup. “Here. If we’re going to get an injured man drunk we can at least do it responsibly.”

Gil looked down suspiciously at the cup. He took a sip only to instantly spit it out. “Did you _spike_ Zoing’s _tea?_ ”

“Um…”

“He can never know. Do you hear me? Never.”

“You drown yours in honey.”

“Honey is an approved substance. This,” he hoisted the reclaimed bottle “is very much _not_.”

“Gil I think you might be blowing this a little out of proportion,” Theo said.

“Zoing once caught one of the jägers spiking his tea. He didn’t have a single cup that didn’t taste like radioactive dishwater for six years.”

Z paled. “Six years?”

“But still,” Nick cut in, “That means that eventually –”

“He had to offer Zoing his hat.”

What little color Z still had fled. “What do I do?”

“Destroy the evidence. A broken cup is a forgivable offense. Altered tea is not.”

Slepnir ignored all of them and kept wiping at the side of Gil’s head. She frowned when she couldn’t uncover any wound. Squinting at the cloth, she dragged her finger through the red goop and licked it off. “Gil this is strawberry jelly.”

“Oh. That makes more sense. The Baron definitely would have freaked out more if I’d really been bleeding.”

Nick caught her eye over Gil’s shoulder. _Organ storage,_ he mouthed. Slepnir stuck her tongue out at him. Organ storage. Honestly. That was almost as bad as the one that claimed Gil was the Baron’s son.

**Author's Note:**

> No the jäger who spiked Zoing's tea was not Dietrich. He is not that dumb. And Zoing didn't actually take the poor jäger's hat from him, it was more about the principle of the offer.
> 
> Bonus points to anyone who catches all the references to previous works in the series. I know, there's references in all of them, but this one has a lot more than normal.


End file.
